Where there is a part one, there is always a part two. I’m going to start this part two by telling you a story.
Last July a very wise friend became concerned about me. We chatted all the time and she listened to my stories, particularly those about my Mr. Big. There was a lot I never said about that situation, but my dear friend read right between the lines and caught me in the act. “You realize you’re in love with him, right?” she asked me that day. And I told her that yes, I was very aware of the fact. But I never said it here because saying it (or typing it) out loud would make it that much more real. Instead I held that fact close. A secret just for me, and then me and my friend to share. A silent truth I let myself imagine people weren’t noticing.
So there it is. I love Big. And I have, for quite some time.
You can only imagine how this complicated my life when he came back. I cut him off because I loved him and I just knew he would never love me in return. That I was never to be that kind of girl for him. That we did not have that kind of future.
Except when Big came back in January, he told me he loved me.
That’s right, I was wrong. I was wrong all along. He did love me, and he was holding on to me. In fact, upon further reflection, it became blindingly obvious that he had been trying to tell me for months. I had kept brushing him off resolutely, determined that I would never be his. And he kept searching for a better time to tell me the truth. That he loved me.
Until I said “No more.” and cut it off. Then he couldn’t say it anymore. He couldn’t tell me. I had cut off every avenue of communication. I was gone. I was determined to make a go of it with LC. But unfortunately, love is not so easily cut off.
So there we were, dumbfounded by each other. All along we had each been what the other craved but didn’t know was there. He knew about LC, and so where did we go from there?
From there we went to here. Here where I am not with LC. Here where I am still in love with Big. And here where he is also in love with me. Here we are, suddenly in the same place at the same time. Suddenly with each other and only each other.
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online dating isn’t working for me. I’ve tried different dating sites for over a year now, with no luck. Granted, I go on plenty of coffee dates, but I haven’t even come close to finding Mr. Right. Is it me, or am I correct in thinking internet dating doesn’t work? I need your advice! Should I get an internet dating profile makeover? Would a professional photo help me look better online? Should I hire an editor to punch-up my profile essay? Help!
- Frustrated in Fresno
Dear Frustrated,
Believe me, I understand exactly how you feel. Through eight years of divorce I’ve done a lot of online dating, and like you, I haven’t found my ideal match. I hear it works for some people, but I’m skeptical. Despite success stories you might have heard about a sister’s roommate or a second cousin’s friend-of-a-friend finding love online, there are tens of millions of people on internet dating sites right now, most of whom aren’t quite so satisfied. It seems Jupiter Research found that “barely one quarter of users reported being very satisfied or satisfied with online personals sites.”
(I’m happy to share a good review of what’s wrong with online dating, citing studies and surveys to make the point. Sadly, such voices of reason tend to get drowned out by industry hype when there’s big money to be made. The New York Times reported that in 2007 online matchmaking industry subscription revenues were $650 million, while SmartMoney .com suggests the figure is $890 million. No wonder some dating advice sites happily suggest you give internet dating a try – there are referral commissions to be made!)
I won’t tell you internet dating sucks completely. It has proved an efficient way to meet strangers for coffee, drinks, dinner, older men younger women relationships, and even booty calls. (Forget Adult Friend Finder, for casual dating Craigslist is totally free.) Internet dating is definitely for real, as researchers at UC Berkeley are trying to better understand the effect of online dating sites on how people interact.
Online Dating Search Criteria – A Contradiction
But for finding the love of your life, my advice is this: give online dating a rest. Cancel your online matchmaking membership and hide your internet dating profile. Get out, mingle, flirt in everyday life. Join a club. Go to the gym. Volunteer for a cause. Put yourself out there.
And if that doesn’t work, use your DNA.
That’s right, there’s now (online, of course) a service that will match you genetically with a prospective partner. Talk about chemistry! For $1,995.95 (less 50% off until February 2009), you can join ScientificMatch .com. They’ll have you swab the inside of your cheek with cotton and send them a sample of your DNA. (I’m not sure whether it’s best to swab after enjoying your favorite meal or cocktail, or whether your mouth should be antiseptically clean. I’m guessing this is addressed in ScientificMatch .com’s DNA collection kit.)
Apparently, a chemical match like this provides amazing benefits, including: “you’ll love their natural body fragrance–they’ll smell ‘sexier’ than other people,” and “there will be less cheating in your exclusive relationship,” and “your children will be healthier.”
What’s not to like?
In short, Frustrated, it’s not you, or the photo in your profile, or the 250 words in your essay. Online dating doesn’t work. Instead, swab a bit of that double-helix magic out of your mouth, and Mr. Right will soon be on his way.
Why Parents Don't Like Their Daughter's Boyfriends
Why Parents Don't Like Their Daughter's Boyfriends
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I am now the dad of a 13-year old daughter! serious look on face Thirteen years went way too fast for me! I really cannot believe we are here already. I have already noticed boys looking at my daughter differently than they did when she was 5. Which means I know dating will come up at some point.
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As a dad I am expected to not like any of my daughter’s boyfriends. They are the mortal enemies of a dad. We compete for the same thing, our daughter’s heart.
Real reasons parents don’t like their daughter’s boyfriends
The Huffington Post shared a Study from a University of Bristol researcher that linked Evolution and Human behavior to the reasons parents don’t like their daughter’s boyfriends. The study links the parental distribution of resources among their kids as the primary reason. Basically they see the boyfriends as less caring when they compare. Huh?
I don’t think a scientific study is needed, especially one involving evolution, to pin point why we don’t like our daughter’s boyfriends. However, the study did reveal some interesting points when beginning to look at social class and family background.
My reasons I won’t like my daughter’s boyfriends
Despite what evolution says, I’ve listed some reasons why I may not like my daughter’s boyfriends when that time comes…10 years from now! But I’ve also added some reasons I may begin to like them over time.
What are your feelings about your daughter’s boyfriends?
He loves Jesus
I'm not sure what, or who, you put your faith in, but we put our faith in a relationship with Jesus Christ. Our understanding how this common belief has shaped, saved, and continues to make our marriage successful confirms this is important when in a relationship. My wife and I both agree if we both didn't have this faith, and this relationship with Jesus then we would not still be together. That foundation will set the course for all other interactions in any relationship our daughter has.
I get to know his parents and like them
If I don't know the parents it is a no-go! My wife and some of our friends with kids have occasionally "joked" that we are not opposed to arranged marriages. I understand our daughter is a product of us, and our marriage union. Just the same any boyfriend she has is a product of his parents and their relationship. If the parents are crazy, then he probably is too.
He respects her, my wife, and me
If over time he demonstrates a genuine respect for our daughter, and I also see it in the way he is toward my wife and I, then there is potential. Any signs of disrespect and he loses...for good.
Young boys are irreponsible
I know I make mistakes, but I don't want the irresponsibility of someone else impacting my daughter. He is bound to mess up, and when he does I won't be as easy on him as I am on myself.
I was once a boy
I was that boyfriend that parents either liked or didn't like. Honestly, I never knew how they felt because I always tried to keep my distance. But what I do know is what boys are thinking. Most of the time, nothing! If so, it is nothing good, at least not for my daughter. My wife may not have the same perspective, but she's known me since I was a teenager, so maybe she does. :)
No one can love her like we can
I was the first person to see my daughter come into this world, literally! My wife and I have given up our lives to make sure she has the best possible life we can provide. We know her good traits, and bad traits, but nothing will ever change the way we love her. I'm certain a boyfriend cannot do that.
